Your Horoscope for this week

The horoscope never does what I want it to, so I wrote my own. 100% accurate.


Take time to meditate and reevaluate your life. You will be surprised to find that things are not as bad as they seem. Even though your life might seem like the poop emoji, it is really an ice cream emoji.


A friend of yours is feeling underappreciated right now. Go over to his house with a pint of ice cream and a shoulder to cry on. His favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. You really shouldn’t need me to tell you that.


You will meet a dark, mysterious stranger who will teach you to love and live again before taking all of your money and giving you a box of VHS tapes. You don’t even own a VHS player.


Now is a good time to take up darning: There is a hole in the left armpit of your favorite sweater.


Dude, you need to stop thinking that it takes special tools to make pasta from scratch. You’re cooking for two: all you need is a rolling pin and a decent knife. Doesn’t take too long either.


Where did you put your car keys? They are in your hand. Every time you ask, they are in your hand.


Around 1:46pm do us all a favor and take a nap. Otherwise you will be a Grumpy Gus at happy hour and no one wants to hear about the flu outbreak when they’re trying to unwind from work.


You are going to find a scrap of notebook paper in the parking lot today. This is not a sign from the universe. Someone just dropped their shopping list. (You are running low on milk, though.)


Your waitress lied to you. That was not decaffeinated coffee. There is no decaffeinated coffee. Decaffeinated coffee does not exist.


See a penny. Pick it up. All day long you’ll have back pain due to a herniated disc. Did you really need that penny? I didn’t think so.


Everything is changing, but it hasn’t changed yet. The universe is saying, “Soon, soon.” But for now? You have to deal with the pain. With the feeling that someone has reached through your chest and gripped your spinal chord and is tugging it forward.


There has been a Cool Ranch Dorito wedged between your couch cushions for the past three months. DO NOT EAT IT. It is hella stale. Also the flavor has already been licked off.