The horoscope never does what I want it to, so I wrote my own. 100% accurate.
Ares
Take time to meditate and reevaluate your life. You will be surprised to find that things are not as bad as they seem. Even though your life might seem like the poop emoji, it is really an ice cream emoji.
Taurus
A friend of yours is feeling underappreciated right now. Go over to his house with a pint of ice cream and a shoulder to cry on. His favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. You really shouldn’t need me to tell you that.
Gemini
You will meet a dark, mysterious stranger who will teach you to love and live again before taking all of your money and giving you a box of VHS tapes. You don’t even own a VHS player.
Cancer
Now is a good time to take up darning: There is a hole in the left armpit of your favorite sweater.
Leo
Dude, you need to stop thinking that it takes special tools to make pasta from scratch. You’re cooking for two: all you need is a rolling pin and a decent knife. Doesn’t take too long either.
Virgo
Where did you put your car keys? They are in your hand. Every time you ask, they are in your hand.
Libra
Around 1:46pm do us all a favor and take a nap. Otherwise you will be a Grumpy Gus at happy hour and no one wants to hear about the flu outbreak when they’re trying to unwind from work.
Scorpio
You are going to find a scrap of notebook paper in the parking lot today. This is not a sign from the universe. Someone just dropped their shopping list. (You are running low on milk, though.)
Sagittarius
Your waitress lied to you. That was not decaffeinated coffee. There is no decaffeinated coffee. Decaffeinated coffee does not exist.
Capricorn
See a penny. Pick it up. All day long you’ll have back pain due to a herniated disc. Did you really need that penny? I didn’t think so.
Aquarius
Everything is changing, but it hasn’t changed yet. The universe is saying, “Soon, soon.” But for now? You have to deal with the pain. With the feeling that someone has reached through your chest and gripped your spinal chord and is tugging it forward.
Pisces
There has been a Cool Ranch Dorito wedged between your couch cushions for the past three months. DO NOT EAT IT. It is hella stale. Also the flavor has already been licked off.